Soliloquy
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: Gullible citizens beware! Ao Hoshi, con artist extraordinaire could sell hell to the Devil, and he's taken an apprentice! NOW WITH PLOT!
1. The Prologue

Soliloquy

**Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto! Do own Hoshi!**

**A/N: Dearly Beloved Cannibal of Mine—so, I can't write anything you'd like, eh? Yeah to the fucking hell right. In your face, you Doritos-munching, Kit-Kat-stealing, Naruto-hating, hentai-drawing, bracelet-breaking, brutally honest bastard! **

**A/N 2: So yeah. This is a show-off show case of my talents at comedy. I hope it works out for you. **

**A/N 3: Can you say OOC? **

**Chapter One: The Prologue to a Troublesome Series**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Excuse me?" Hoshi raised an offended eyebrow at the flaxen haired woman, "Come again?"

Temari pointed a finger at him. "You've been passing yourself as the greatest con artist of all Sunagakure history. I don't believe you."

"You don't have to believe me. It's true. I've bamboozled everyone in the village, and I'm actually a little alarmed at how powerfully stupid they are. You'd think they'd cotton on after the first ten times."

"The people of the Hidden Sand Village," Temari said matter-of-factly, "Are idiots. Of course you'd be able to con them. Now, if you look at…oh, I don't know, Konohagakure? Now that's a village of smart heads. Yep, no getting under their skin."

"Woman, please. I'm Ao Hoshi. I could sell Tokyo to the Prime Minister."

"But you couldn't sell a pacifier to a Leaf baby."

"I so could!"

"Prove it," Temari smirked.

Hoshi wagged a finger at her, and it wasn't his index. "Ah-ah-ah. I don't have to prove anything to you."

"What say we make it…_**interesting **_then? You con at least ten people from Konoha, and I'll pay you a hundred rhou."

The puce haired male tapped his chin thoughtfully. "That is appealing. Alright, Temari. You've got yourself a deal."

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Gaara looked to his sister, expectant. "Well?"

"I've gotten rid of him. And all it took was a hundred rhou."

"You're confident he won't come back?"

"Otouto-chan, when he sees how many gullible dumbfucks Konoha's got, he'll think he's in heaven. He won't even _**remember **_us."

"I'm gonna miss the twerp," Kankurou sighed.

"Kankurou," Temari said, "He sold you a hundred condoms for ten thousand rhou! And have you ever even used one? No!"

Gaara choked on his mint tea. "WHAT!?"

Kankurou glared at his sibling. "You said you'd never mention that!"

The blonde grinned sheepishly. "My bad?"

After a brief scuffle between brother and sister, Gaara separated them using his sand, both of them sporting lovely bruises.

"Konoha won't know what hit her," Temari said gleefully.

"Maybe we shouldn't have sent him to our ally?"

"Ah, screw it. He's not our problem anymore."

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Hoshi set his bags down in the middle of the street.

"Konoha," he smiled, "You've been chosen to be _**bamboozled."**_

Time for his first victim. Those bags weren't going to carry themselves, y'know.

A boy of about fifteen was prancing around, yelling, "I'm gonna be the seventh Hokage, bitches, bow down to me!" He had a dark scarf that trailed behind him like a bride's train. A girl pushed him, squealing, "Konohamaru, shut up you loser!"

"Hello," Hoshi said smoothly to the teen, "Konohamaru, is it?"

The boy looked up at the puce haired male. "Yeah, what about it? And hey, what village are you from, you don't have a head band!"

Hoshi grinned widely. This was going to be fun.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Why soliloquy? Because it's a pretty word. No, I didn't post too soon, I just didn't write the first con. **


	2. A

Soliloquy

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.**

**A/N: I've been writing this in Hoshi's POV. But when I read it to edit it…it felt like BLEH. So I switched back to third person. **

**Chapter Two: An Abundance of Apples **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Hoshi had problems. Lots of problems. They were round, they were red, and they were nutritious. Hoshi had apples. I'm talking telephone numbers here—like dozens of bushels. Why? Because Hoshi didn't just have apples—he had an orchard. How did a con artist afford an orchard? Well, he didn't. This simple fact brings us to the root of Hoshi's real problem, which began roughly twenty one years ago.

In the quiet ninja village of Iwagakure, twenty one years, five months, four days, and four hours ago, a baby girl was born. Three years later, a baby boy was born. And as soon as he was old enough, he dearly regretted it. For you see, this boy was Hoshi. Hoshi was born a conniving little bastard. And the girl that was born before him, as you can probably guess, was his onee-chan. Ao Kaya was a righteous young woman, defender of good and defeater of evil doers.

As far as she was concerned, conning was evil-doing. So she had bought her little brother an orchard, asking him to tend it and raise the fruits to…um, fruition, hoping that it would inspire him to be an honest, hard working something-or-the-other.

So he had. So he did. And now what did he have? An entire orchard's worth of fruit sitting in his living room, merrily rotting away as he wondered what to do with them. Crates upon crates of apples in his home, just waiting to spoil and stink up the place and—

_And be sold. _

Hoshi slapped a hand to his forehead in awe of his own stupidity. Had he really been about to settle down on the straight track just because his sister had gotten him _**apples?**_

Hoshi had apples. Konohagakure had problems.

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"Step right up, step right up, get 'em here folks! The secret to glowing skin and eternal health! The fruit of Eden! The rubies of Iwagakure! All the way from my hometown, the amaaaaaaaaazing Apple Circus Show!!"

"What the hell are you yelling about now, Hoshi?" Kakashi asked irately, jumping down from a tree. The teen had a voice like a randy bullfrog, it carried places. A few others approached too, curious.

"And I thought your hometown was Sunagakure," Ino frowned.

The turquoise eyed male sighed as though a math teacher who's been informed by a two year old that two times two is in fact seven. "I came _**here**_ from Sunagakure. My hometown is _**Iwa**_gakure. Got it?"

"How'd that happen? How can you be of two ninja countries, surely it is forbidden for ninjas to change their nationalities," Shikamaru mused.

"Yeah, it is," Hoshi said meaningfully, "For ninjas. Now, about these apples—"

"You mean your parents weren't ninjas?" Kakashi asked, "How'd they die?"

The swindler made an irritated sort of noise. "They're not dead."

"Your parents are _**alive?"**_

"Why is that so shocking?"

"What do they do?" Ino fretted, "How do you live as a civilian, and raise a ninja?"

Hoshi made a jerky motion with his hands that suggested he would like to strangle his questioners right about now, but said with deceptive calmness, "I'm not a ninja either."

"No way!" Shikamaru gasped.

Kakashi whistled low. "You know, I'd wondered why you never went on missions."

"So what do your parents do?"

"What's it like being a civilian?"

"Do they still eat with chopsticks?"

Hoshi blinked. "Of course they eat with chopsticks, what's the matter with you? And how did this become an interview on my family history!?"

"Just answer the question!"

"My kaa-chan's a party planner, my oyaji is a baker. Satisfied, you harpies?"

"Any siblings?" Kakashi asked.

"One. Onee-chan."

"What's she doing, then?"

"She's _**married.**_"

"That's not a profession," Ino scoffed.

"Trust me," Hoshi said darkly, "It is to her."

"Elaborate, fucker."

The con artist groaned inwardly. Telling them he wasn't a ninja had _**definitely **_taken down his respect levels a few notches. "She's been married four times so far. Every man she married has died under mysterious circumstances and left her a fortune. She's rolling in dough, so she has the time to be a _**philanthropist."**_

It was clear from the way he spat the last word out that he thought it was a sin on the level of murder and coveting another's wife.

"She killed them?"

"My sister, kill?" Hoshi laughed, "Yeah right. Nah, it's more like a curse. Or really smelly luck. I personally think they all rolled over one morning and caught sight of her face without make-up and just kicked the bucket."

There was a contemplative silence as everyone present contemplated the information that had just been divulged unto them. They contemplated and they contemplated until no one was even sure what they were contemplating, and then they contemplated _**that. **_

Ibiki strolled over curiously. "What's going on here?"

"Uh," Kakashi said, "I'm not sure. Shikamaru?"

"I don't remember," the Nara admitted.

"I think we were gossiping," Ino said vaguely.

Ibiki twitched. "Gossip? Gossip? **_Gossip? _**Real ninjas don't gossip!"

"You can keep saying that, but it won't stop being true," Hoshi remarked, "Anyway. About the apples—ta da!" he made a grand sort of flourish and gestured towards his apple crates, which were stacked to resemble a Turkish palace (y'know, with the onion domes and everything). The gathered members stared at the spectacle, and a single apple rolled away from its place, fell down a few yards and rolled to a stop at Ibiki's feet. The scarred interrogator picked it up and brushed off some dust specks from it.

"The amaaaaaaaaazing Apple Circus Show!" Hoshi declared, "Don't be too awed, folks!"

Kakashi rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Hoshi, those are apples."

"Exactly," the teen said with the air of someone presenting an undisputable argument.

"But…apples…?"

"These aren't just apples. These are magic apples. Like I said, they're from Iwagakure. Every crate is from one tree. You insert your signature chakra into one crate and voila! Your very own apple circus."

"Why would I want an apple circus?" Shikamaru frowned.

"Why wouldn't you want an apple circus?" Ino shot him a look that suggested he was worthy of the title 'King of Idiots'. "They're awesome, Hoshi! How much?"

"For the fair lady, only two hundred rhou. For the rest of you, three hundred."

"Hold on a second," Ibiki growled, "How do we know this shit actually works?"

Hoshi could have kicked his heels together and squealed. If you know, he was the type to do that. He wasn't, but he was still pretty gleeful. He made a big show out of picking out a random crate, on he'd coaxed Sai to paint for him to do his bidding.

"This jutsu only works every full moon, see," he explained, "I injected some of my chakra last fortnight. So tonight, when the moon rises, just insert some chakra, and then every time you touch an apple, the show comes to life!" he brushed a finger against one the fruit, and they all quivered and bounced out of the crate, piling onto each other to resemble a certain breasty Hokage.

The apple-Tsunade took a deep breath, and burst into song: "Oh, I am really special cause there's only one of me! Look at my smile, I'm so damn happy other people are jealous of me! When I'm sad and lonely I like to sing this song it cheers me up and shows me that I won't be sad for long (hey, hey, hey) I'm so happy, I can barely breath! Puppy dogs and sugar frogs and kittens' baby teeth—"

His audience, even the stony Ibiki fell about laughing, and more citizens wandered over to know what all the fuss was about. Hoshi grinned and began business.

And from the shadows, a pair of white eyes watched him carefully.

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"YOSH, youthfulness!" Lee enthused as he walked away with the last crate. Hoshi waved to him. "Nice doing business with ya, Lee!" he called, "You stupid sucker," he added.

He'd done well. Each and every crate was gone, and he had enough money to run away for at least a month. Hopefully, by that time Konohagakure would have forgotten this little…ah, mishap. If not…

There were always other ninja villages. Hoshi sighed happily, and began to walk back home.

"Excuse me—"

"Wauuuuugh!! MOMMY!! The Gila monster's back!!"

Hyuuga Hanabi blinked. "Civilian, please. I am not a Gila monster, whatever that may be. Do quiet down."

Hoshi surveyed the tiny little girl with the ivory eyes. "Hey," he said finally, "You look familiar. Have I conned you before? I don't give money back. What I do is not illegal! It's just_** frowned **_upon. You can't put me in jail, you know!"

Hanabi rolled her eyes. "Civilian, please. I'm not here to have you taken into custody, nor am I looking for a refund. I am here to propose to you an idea of stunning daring and great danger—"

"Not interested."

Hanabi frowned. "But it's a proposition you cannot turn down!"

"I heard danger, little girl. I'm not interested. And you know what? I don't like you."

Hanabi barred his way, glaring ferociously. "Fine then…Ao Hoshi, listen to me! I am to be the heir of the Hyuuga clan. My sister is thought useless by father, and my cousin is a Branch House member! I am next in line to sit on the Hyuuga throne—"

"Hyuuga has a throne?" the teen perked up, "Really? Is it gold—no! Hoshi! You promised the Zohan that you would not steal!"

The Hyuuga heiress gnashed her teeth. Which was quite a sight to see, really, because she really didn't look like a teeth-gnashing type. "Listen to me, and stop interrupting! I do not want this position. But I cannot abdicate; I would have no method by which to support myself—but the way you fooled the people of this village today thrilled me. It seems so easy! Surely, if I too could do this, I could abandon my clan! Take me as your apprentice, and I will make you a rich man."

Hoshi stuck a finger in his ear and twisted it around. "I don't see the profit in it for me."

"I just said I'd make you a rich man!"

"Oh. Well, in that case—" he waved his cash box at her, "It's already been taken care of. Thank you, but no thank you. Have a nice night, and die in hell."

"What happens when that money runs out?"

"I'll find some more."

"What happens when you get too old to swindle?"

Hoshi glared at the girl. "You're never too old to swindle."

"Suppose something should happen to you—who would carry on your noble work? Do you have a protégée? A child? Anyone?" Hanabi said.

"Ah-ah-ah," Hoshi waggled a finger at her, "Don't try that on me. I'm the master at this. You're not talking me into anything. I have no need to take on some punk of a kid. What am I, a baby-sitter? No! I'm a scallywag, a bloody bamboozler of the innocent!"

"I could alert the ANBU right now," she smirked, "And they'd have you in jail, crime or no crime. I'll tell them you were kidnapping me."

"And they'll believe you?"

"Will they take the word of a well known young member of the respected Hyuuga clan, or will they listen to a con artist tell them a little girl is lying?"

"You bitch," Hoshi said blankly.

"You're running away right now, aren't you? Take me with you. Give me a try. I learn fast."

With a sigh, the puce haired male relented. "Better get some money though. Like hell I'll be expected to support you."

"Hai, sensei," she smiled, and walked into the shadows to retrieve a duffel bag, "Where to, master?"

Sensei. Master.

Hoshi could get used to this sort of treatment.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**I find the idea of poker-faced little Hanabi conning people too appealing to turn down. Besides, making it all about Hoshi wasn't really my style. BTW, don't own the Happy Song (what apple-Tsunade sang) or 'You Don't Mess with the Zohan' (which is the new Adam Sandler movie. Disgusting, but funny)Yatta! **


	3. B

Soliloquy

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!  
A/N: Yes, I know the second chapter didn't tie in well to the first. You know what? Suck it up. –evil cackling-**

**Chapter Two: Brothels and Bullfrogs **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Onwards! Bring me that horizon! The road goes ever on! We have an adventure waiting for us! Let us pursue that flighty temptress, adventure!"

"Rule number one," Hoshi said as he adjusted the straps on his backpack, "Cut that out. Plagiarizing is a crime. My—and now our, I guess—job as a con artist is to ensure that we _**don't **_get arrested. You dig?"

"You want me to dig?" his newly appointed protégée frowned, "I haven't brought along a shovel, I'm afraid. I didn't think we'd require one."

Hoshi groaned. "Okay, no. I mean, do you understand?"

"Oh. Well, yes."

"Good. Let's go."

"Hai, sensei!" Hanabi nodded, and disappeared in a flash of energy. Hoshi crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently. A few seconds later, she was back, a sheepish smile on her features. "You're a civilian," she said.

"And here I was thinking you were a complete idiot," Hoshi nodded, "Let's go then."

"It'd be faster if I carried you," she offered helpfully. Hoshi shoved her to the side with his shoulder, shaking his head. "You travel with me; you're not going to be a ninja. I'll show you how _**civilians **_live, kid. It sucks. You're gonna love it."

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It was a little past midnight when they stopped at a village. Normally Hoshi would press on till dawn, but Hanabi had been incessantly complaining about the road, and her feet, and the cold, and whatever else came to mind.

"Right," Hoshi said, "What do you like to eat?"

"Huh? I thought you said I would have to care for myself!"

The puce haired boy rolled his eyes. "Don't be stupid, I wanted you to bring money, I didn't mean I'd expect you to find food for yourself! I'm not a complete pig. So, what do you feel like eating?"

"Um," she shrugged, "I don't mind, as long as it's food."

"Go eat that grass then. It's very tasty, a bit hard to digest but quite nutritious."

Hanabi frowned at her tutor. "That's not funny."

Hoshi exhaled impatiently. "You wanna travel with me, you're going to have to develop a taste for good food. You're not nobility any more, kid. Feel free to be picky, Ao Hoshi only treats his comrades to the best. If you have no preferences, I pick. I feel in the mood for teriyaki tonight. What say?"

The white eyed girl shrugged her indifference, and he led the way to a dingy looking house. There were raucous voices inside, a cacophony of shrieks and coarse laughter. The door way was lined with shoes, and the whole place stank of spirits.

"Sensei? Not to be a prude, but I think this is a brothel," Hanabi said nervously.

"Very smart of you to notice. Yeah, it's a whorehouse. I find that they generally tend to have the best sake. We'll pick some up and head to a tea house for dinner."

"Why can't we buy dinner at normal places?" the young girl muttered, "Why do we have to go to _**brothels **_and _**geisha **_tea houses?"

"Okay, one, I don't waste money on food when so many people will feed you if you say the right words, and two, you say geisha like it's a bad thing. I know geisha that are more learned than your mother, so you remember to respect them, you dig?"

"Whatever," Hanabi scoffed, slipping unwittingly from the young noble to the role of the disregarding teen.

The duo entered in to an antechamber of sorts, where umbrellas and coats could be left, and were immediately accosted by a voluptuous female in a half open kimono, her breasts spilling out immodestly. The very way she leaned against the antechamber's door frame suggested that she knew more about the sex act than most people around her knew. And considering that the two people in closest proximity to her were both virgins, it was a fair suggestion.

Hanabi bristled at her with the instinctive hostility of a conventionally raised female against a prostitute. The scandalous beauty raised a caramel palm to stop their passage. "Pedophiles and outside whores not allowed," she acknowledged them both in one insulting go, "We have several young boys in need of corrupting, but that'll cost you double the price of a regular woman."

"She's not a whore, nor am I old enough to be a pedophile. Well, actually, I am, but she's not young enough to be _**my **_victim. But that's beside the point," Hoshi babbled, "I'm here to see Hiroku."

The woman squinted at them suspiciously. "And will Hiroku want to see you?"

"Woman," Hoshi drew himself up to his full (and rather pathetic) height, "I'm Ao Hoshi. You tell Hiroku I'm here, and she'll fall head over tits in her rush to come see me, right?"

"Whatever," the whore said pragmatically, and waltzed back inside. Hanabi glanced at Hoshi. "Who's Hiroku?"

"I have no idea, I completely pulled that name out of my ass," the swindler grinned, "Lucky, huh?"

Hanabi was about to emphatically agree and maybe scold him for his gamble when she saw a gilded plaque above the door that read, 'Hiroku's Brothel, established on the day this was made,' and decided to smack him upside the head.

"Just how stupid do you think I am?"

"Pretty stupid?" he suggested, and she stuck her tongue out at him. The prostitute returned, with her a sickly looking, gray eyed greenette. "I don't think I know you, but welcome to our brothel! What can I interest you in?" the newcomer inquired.

"Hiroku, baby! Just the woman I've been wanting to see!"

"Um," Hiroku said, "Do I know you?"

Hoshi cast a friendly arm around her. "What, you've forgotten? I don't drop by for a few years and you forget me, Ao Hoshi?"

"Oh," false understanding dawned in her raincloud eyes, "Ao Hoshi! Of course I remember you, yeah!"

Hoshi winked broadly at Hanabi, who rolled her eyes. "Listen Hiroku, I'm in a bit of a hurry, but I stopped for some of your excellent sake selection—do you still have the cherry flavored stuff? And I got you a gift!"

They could practically see the cogs turning in her head as she battled with the prospect of a gift and the insistence of her memory that she did not know this man. The desire to be spoiled won out, and she beamed warmly at them. "Aw, Hoshi, you shouldn't have!" Hiroku turned to her whore, "Mayuri, go get our honored guest a big bottle of the finest sake! We're out of cherry, honey, but I remember that you used to love blackberry too, hmm?"

"You always know just what I want, Hiroku!" Hoshi laughed, and Hanabi really did roll her eyes at the woman's stupidity.

"So, what'd you get for me?"

"It's no big deal," the puce haired male insisted, "So don't get too excited: ta da!" he withdrew from his duffel bag a large roll of cheddar cheese. Before the Hyuuga could marvel at the fact that it fit in there, he juggled it with a creamy roll of parmesan.

"Hey, Hiroku, remember? Good cheese comes from happy cows. Happy cows come from California. Real Californian cheese. It's THE cheese!"

"It's cheese!" the brothel runner exclaimed. Mayuri returned with a bottle of sake, which Hanabi accepted with a smirk. The prostitute scowled before a drunk man came to tug her back in to the frivolity.

"It's the cheese," Hoshi agreed.

The greenette narrowed her eyes. "No, I mean this is CHEESE! You got me _**cheese? **_I'm gonna fricassee your ass, mister! I HATE CHEESE!! CHEESE IS EVIL!!"

Hanabi raised an eyebrow. "What's the big deal? It's just cheese."

"CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!!"

Hoshi sweatdropped. "Run Hanabi, run like the wind!"

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"Smart," Hanabi said tartly.

"How the hell was I supposed to know she hated cheese? What kind of psychopath doesn't like cheese? Cheese is god!"

"Cheese is fat," Hanabi said dismissively.

Hoshi pointed a trembling finger at her. "You take that back! Respect the cheese! Always respect the cheese!"

The young Hyuuga sighed, and nodded. "Yes sensei. I respect the cheese."

"Okay, now to get us some teriyaki!"

"Are you kidding me?" the pearly eyed girl followed her companion, "Because visiting a whorehouse and getting beaten over the head by a mad woman's slipper isn't enough excitement for one night?"

"Because I want teriyaki!"

"Because you're a lunatic," Hanabi muttered, "And I'm an idiot for joining up with you."

"Here's the plan," Hoshi said, "I go to the back door and knock…then psst pssst psssst, right, then you come in and say pssst psst psssst. So then whoever answers the door will psst psssst pssst and then I'll just psst pssst and so that we'll get the teriyaki!"

The girl pushed her black hair out her face and stared at Hoshi. "What the psst did you just say?"

The con artist sighed. "Okay, from the top."

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"Alms! Alms!" Hoshi cried when the back door to the tea house was opened. A very irate cook shooed him away. "Not today, boy, be gone with you!"

A tiny little boy peeked out. "Hey you're new! Has the village's beggar guild inaugurated you yet? They cut off a limb for unauthorized begging, you know!"

"Ouch," Hoshi winced, "Isn't that a little harsh?"

"Not really. Hey, you want a frog?" the boy asked, shoving the amphibian in the teen's face. Hoshi scrutinized it, cross eyed. "It's a bullfrog," he said finally.

"Yep!"

"Why would a beggar want a bullfrog?"

"They're good luck! This one was a cricket in a past life, and I'll give him to you for only twenty rhou!"

Hoshi knew one of his kind when he saw them. "Nice try, buddy. Maybe in a few years. I'd have liked to take you on as an apprentice, you show promise, but my tutelage has already been booked by another. And you know, she's a right little—"

"Daisuke-sempai!" Hanabi hurtled out of nowhere and into the puce headed male, knocking them into the entrance as planned, "I've found something! I've found something shiny and suspiciously gold like!"

"Hey miss," the little boy asked, "Bull frog?"

"No thanks."

The cook turned at the sound of the new voice. "Gold?"

Hoshi examined the fake gold medallion with false alarm. "Good galloping godzillas, Hana, this is one of those cursed pieces of extremely valuable gold! You know, the one that gives you a hundred years of bad luck if you first touch it with your right hand, but a thousand years of good if you touch it with your left? One of those!"

"Oh no!" Hanabi cried convincingly, "I touched it with my left!"

There was an awkward pause in which the cook sighed dejectedly, Hoshi glared at his protégée, and the little boy licked his frog thoughtfully, trying to keep it from drying out.

"I mean with my right! Uneducated person that I am, I can't tell my left from right!"  
"Then we can only break the luck by trading this piece! Oh, who'll take something so fake looking?" Hoshi groaned dramatically, "Hana you idiot!"

The cook harrumphed. "Seeing as how the maiden is in need of rescuing I'll trade you that trinket. For food, how about that? As much food as you two can eat!"

"Oh really? Thank you so much sir, what a kind soul you are!" the Hyuuga yelled, tackling the man in a hug. Hoshi made cut-throat motions at her whispering, _too far! Too much! _

The little boy squeezed his frog just to see if it would blow up, and Hanabi removed herself from the man.

"What do you want to eat?" the cook asked.

"How about teriyaki?" Hoshi grinned, and Hanabi snickered as the cook got to work.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**I apologize. I couldn't work in a bull frog any other way. My next chapters will be more aptly named, I promise. **


	4. C

Soliloquy

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!**

**A/N: I don't know what they eat in Bangladesh. Maybe it's pulkas. Or aloo gobi? Dude. Don't look at me. -shooes you away- **

**Chapter Three: Cats, Capture, and Curiosity**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Hoshi was pissed. Oh boy was he pissed. Normally nothing could get under his skin…but this was ridiculous.

Hanabi had a cat. Not just any cat, oh no, a gray pregnant feline with four kittens tumbling around in her uterus. And she _**hated **_Hoshi. The con artist didn't see why, he hadn't said or done anything to the stupid thing…well. He'd kicked it a few times, but who gets mad over something like _**that?**_

The last thing they needed, he groused to himself, was a fucking _**cat **_on their way to Otogakure to see if Kabuto would take them in for a few weeks. Just until Konohagakure cooled off. They would have to go back eventually to make it clear that Hoshi had not kidnapped Hanabi, and that the Hyuuga heiress was defecting her position. The puce haired male would love to see the look on Hiashi's face when he found _**that **_out. Bloody bugger had never fallen for any of his attempts to bamboozle some money out of his wallet. Evil byakugan using prissy haired son of a three toed dung—

"Miaow."

"WAUGH!"

Hanabi stuffed her fist into her mouth in a futile attempt to control her giggles as the older teen tripped over the cat and fell face first into a bramble hedge. In a desperate bid to escape the prickly plant, Hoshi managed a splendid job of ripping his robe into pieces. He looked down at himself, in all his scratched up and immodestly clothed glory, and groaned.

"That's a little more of me than anyone needs to see," he said, pulling out a fresh robe from his sack, "As Naruto would say, believe it! I hate that bloody feline. You better keep an eye on it Hanabi; I swear I'll drown her in the next lake we see!"

The girl with pearl eyes glared at him as she mollycoddled her pet. "You're a big jerk, you know that? Drown an innocent being indeed! As if I would let you!"

"That thing, innocent? It's the devil's spawn, I'll swear my affidavit on it."

"You're not a pirate, sensei," Hanabi called back to him, "Now let's _**go, **_this place is creeping me out."

Of course, that was because of all the pygmy shrew people watching her, but she wasn't to know that. Hoshi did, however, and hurried after the girl, casting nervous glances over his shoulder. Pygmies had a taste for pubescent females.

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"Hoshi sensei, do you ever get the feeling that we're just a part of a great grand cosmic plan and have no meaning what so ever?"

"I think your stupid cat just shat in my shoe," Hoshi frowned. They'd made camp in a respectable looking clearing, and Hanabi had let the feline free to catch herself dinner. "Those are my favorite shoes, you stupid pregnant bitch! I can't stand women," he added to his protégée. She raised an eyebrow. "What am I, a big strong hunk of man?"

"You're a girl. The hormones haven't kicked in yet. I'm good with children."

"I'm not a child!"

"Of course not. Locust?" Hoshi offered a stick with a dozen of the insects impaled on it. Hanabi wrinkled her nose. "Urgh."

"You dip them in honey for a tasty and nutritious snack. It's a delicacy in Bangladesh."

"They don't eat locusts in Bangladesh," Hanabi informed him, "They eat fajitas."

"They're called _**chapattis, **_kiddo."

"Potato, poh-tah-toe," Hanabi waved an airy hand at him.

"Honestly do you even—hey. Did you hear that?"

The Hyuuga heiress cocked her head to the side and listened. "You mean the silence of the stars?"

"I mean the _**footsteps.**_"

"Oh, those. Yes, I hear them."

"And…?"

"And they're getting closer?"

"Argh! Someone's _**looking **_for us you big noble sack of seven kinds of stupid! Wrap it up; cast an illusion, fucking _**do **_something!"

Hanabi held up her hands in a passive gesture. "Thirteen years old. Academy failure, five times. That's _**two **_times more than Naruto. I'm a crap ninja."

"You're picking up my language," Hoshi sighed, "Well, let's just go hide in the bushes then."

That turned out to be a bad idea, because the footsteps weren't ninjas', but pygmy shrews'. Hanabi squealed like a pig when several of them trussed her up like…well, a pig. Hoshi cursed and ran after them. Why, oh why had he taken the brat through this route? Sure it was the shortest, sure it was the least likeliest to attract ninja attention, sure it had tons of fresh food and water and safe places to rest (well, if you weren't of the XX chromosome in your early teens) but now Hanabi was caught and if Hoshi didn't save her, he was so screwed he'd need a crutch to walk for the rest of his life.

He stopped and paled at the thought of what Hiashi would do to him if he told the man his precious daughter had been eaten by pygmy shrews. And then he ran faster.

"Bloody fucking wait the hell up!"

The shrews stopped in a shrew village where little shrews were merrily playing with what looked suspiciously like young girl bones, and shrewwives (shrews, they must be) were yelling at their shrew husbands in shrew tongue from their little shrew homes full of little shrew things.

"Fucking shrews," Hoshi panted as he finally caught up to them. "Yo, pappa shrew, leader-looking dude! If it's not too much trouble, could you like…let the girl go, and stuff?"

"Blarga nart surld shwor burrito!" an officious looking shrew shouted.

"Burrito? I may have one of those. A burrito for the girl?" Hoshi asked hopefully, edging towards Hanabi. Several pointy things were jabbed threateningly towards him, and he back pedaled. "No? Alright then. Nice to meet you, and all that."

A young shrew with a red headband and a glum expression tugged at his sleeve. "This way," she said, "Come with me."

"Great galloping goo bears!" Hoshi yelled, "You talk!?"

"Shhhh! Of _**course**_ I talk. We all talk. It's all an elaborate part of the Ultimate Conspiracy!" the thing said, leading him away to a copse, "My name's Akina. I'm the chief's daughter. You have to help me get out of here!"

"Do I have a bloody sign around my neck that says 'Heiresses Looking to Abscond Will Be Welcomed with Open Arms'? Why do all you whackos keep coming to me?"

"Shut up, stranger! Do you want to rescue your kid or not?"

"She's not my _**child. **_Do I look old enough to be her father? Bleeding hell."

"Whatever," Akina rolled her eyes splendidly, "Just hurry up. They'll eat her at the Feast of the Grand Purple Bhoojam tonight!"

"Was that what that guy was babbling?"

"That? No, he actually just likes to speak gibberish. It makes him seem cooler, or so he thinks."

"I see," Hoshi said, not really seeing, "And what about—HOLY MOTHER FUCKING SHIT SOMETHING JUST BIT ME!! I'M DYING! I'M DYING!"

"Would you relax?" Akina hissed, "It's a cat!"

"A cat?"

"A pregnant one, apparently."

Hoshi glowered at the smug looking feline. "I definitely _**hate **_women."

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"This is the plan: tonight, you pretend to kidnap me and hold me hostage in exchange for the girl. They'll never agree to that, at least not at first. So when the Council goes into the Tent of Consent to discuss the matter, the cat sneaks in past the defenses and gets the girl. Then we all run like the devil is on our heels, because he will be."

"The Devil?" Hoshi asked cynically, "Serious?"

"Tracker shrew. Big teeth. Bad appetite."

"Ah. _**That **_devil."

And so, later that evening when the feast was starting to fire up and Hanabi had been drugged (because, you know, damsels in distress tend to cuss something awful if no plan is forth coming and they're fully conscious. Yup. Not exactly damsel like behavior) Hoshi made a dramatic entry into the middle of the village with Akina under his rapier.

"Aye! Avast! I hath come to kidnap thy fair lass unless mine is returned unto me!"

"What's the freak saying, Bob?" one shrew asked another.

"I think he's saying he'll kill Akina if we don't give him our food, Todd," the other shrew mused. They looked at each other and burst into laughter.

Hoshi looked at Akina, who smiled sheepishly. "They hate me. Did I not mention that in my List of Reasons for Wanting to Leave?"

"No, apparently it slipped your mind."

"LET'S KILL THE BIG ONE! HE'LL MAKE GOOD SEASONING!"

"Son of a gun," Hoshi said blankly. Suddenly, a loud screech was heard, and the gray cat crouched protectively in front of them. The shrews stopped short, gasped collectively, and threw themselves on the ground. The cat licked her paw unconcernedly as they began to wail.

"Oh Great Feline of the Foot Fetish Freaks, we have waited for you!"

"Hey, Akina?" Hoshi said, "Wanna clear this up for me?"

"Oh, right. Well, remember how I said that this was the feast of the Grand Purple Bhoojam?"

"Yeah."

"That's the Grand Purple Bhoojam's wife."

Hoshi blinked. "But you saw her before," he argued, "Why didn't you fall down and pray to her as well?"

"I'm atheist. One of the reasons they hate me."

"Listen up, bitches," a new voice said, and Hoshi realized it was the cat, "I'm only gonna say this once. My husband is scared shitless of blood. _**Seriously. **_And if I get one more plate of raw girl-flesh with a list of impossible prayers delivered to my doorstep, I'll call down the fucking Apocalypse on y'all! So here's the thing: you go green. You let the girl go. You let Akina become your queen, 'cause that girl has the sense to not believe something called the _**Bhoojam **_is the ruler of all living beings, and I leave everyone alive. Deal?"

"Deal," the shrews chorused. The cat turned to Hoshi and nodded affably. "So. Let's get outta here, kid, what're you waiting for?"

"Um…right," he said, dropping Akina and untying Hanabi from the ceremonial post, "Well, bye, I guess."

"No!" Akina yelled, "You have to join me for the feast! It's like…a rule!"

Hoshi looked at the unconscious Hanabi, the cat, and Akina. He shrugged and nodded. As he followed the females though, he had a question for the feline. "Why Akina as queen, really?"

"I like to dabble in happy endings," she replied, and that was the end of that.

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"I'm a little teapot, with a great big BUTT, and regardless of what you hear I do write SMUT! When I get PISSED you better watch out, or I'll take a sword and shove it up your—"

"Hanabi!"

"SNOUT!"

Letting the little girl have sake had definitely been a bad idea.

Hoshi had wanted to walk into Otogakure in the dead of the night, quietly enter the Otokage building, impress Kabuto with his smooth talk and maybe a few magic tricks (yes, Hoshi knows magic tricks. There is no end to this man's awesomeness) but now he was walking down High Street in the middle of the morning (the feast last night had been a _**killer**_) with a pregnant cat (she'd insisted on escorting them to their destination) and a drunk teen.

"Why is the sake lasting so long? She should be hungover by now!"

"Shrew sake is different from regular sake," the feline goddess told him, "I'd say it'll be another hour before she drops, and then another twelve to wake up."

"Holy hell!" Hanabi hollered (alliteration. God's gift to idiots.) "It's a spider!" Before anyone could say anything, she stomped violently on the innocent arthropod, screaming bloody murder.

"Hey," he said weakly to an elderly woman who stopped to stare at their procession, "Having a nice day?" Judging by her reproachful look and mutterings about crazy kids, he guessed not.

"OMG!!" Hanabi squealed suddenly, "That guy is like, totally scratching his balls in public!"

Most of the attention on High Street was suddenly divided between them and the-guy-who-scratched-his-balls-in-public. Hoshi face palmed himself, and the cat snickered softly. The-guy-who-scratched-his-balls-in-public grinned sheepishly, and everyone edged away from him.

"I hate men," Hoshi scowled. Hanabi looked at him with big eyes. "I thought you hated women!"

"Since when am I allowed to only hate one gender? I hate adults in general."

The Hyuuga heiress bit her lip thoughtfully, thinking it over. "Then which gender do you like? To marry, I mean."

"I'm _**asexual.**_"

"Kids these days," the cat muttered, "First it was 'I'm gay' and then it was 'I'm bi' and now it's 'I don't want love, I can do better than that'! If I had a ball of yarn for every one of you that's faking it or is trying to fit in, I'd have so many balls of yarn I could knit the world a sweater."

"But I am," Hoshi deadpanned, "The only way you will ever see me 'with' someone if they are paying me a LOT of money. I don't get love. It doesn't exist. Love ends up in bed as sex, everyone knows that."

"So," Hanabi struggled to follow the conversation she'd begun, "You won't ever get married, ever?"

"Like I said. Gotta be rich."

"Wow," Hanabi yawned, "Weird."

"Well dipshit," the cat said, "This is my stop. Take care of the girl. If you teach her right, she'll save your ass on more than one occasion. If you teach her wrong…um, well, I don't know. I'll give you a minute to pray to me before I leave," she nodded.

"I don't know your name," Hoshi reminded her, "And I'm Buddhist. Nirvana is my thing. I don't pray to heathen gods."

"My name's Dahlia, and Buddhism is shite," Dahlia said, "Don't blame me when you go to hell."

"I won't," Hoshi nodded, and she disappeared with a loud poof. Hanabi giggled loudly, and the puce haired male turned his attention to her. She prodded the ground with a stick, and giggled again. "Poking is _**fun!"**_

"Kill me now," Hoshi sighed, and, taking his ass-saving protégée by the arm, continued his way to Kabuto.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**The Grand Purple Bhoojam and his wife Dahlia are all part of my friend's religion. She says that religion is just what people choose to believe, and if I can have my comic strip gods, she can have her…um, whatever the hell the Grand Purple Bhoojam is. Her parents were not amused.**


	5. D

Soliloquy

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto! Or Dungeon Tales, by what's her name.  
Chapter Five: Dungeon Tales (or) Death, Doom, Despair**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Hanabi glared reproachfully at Hoshi. Hoshi laughed nervously and looked away. If looks could kill, he'd be burning to a nice crisp right about now.

Kabuto had taken one look at them and ordered them thrown in the dungeon. You can understand why she's a little peeved.

"Let's go to _**Otogakure,**_" she mimicked, "Where _**Kabuto **_will keep us safe! Let's take the _**detour **_through the forest full of people eating _**shrews, **_because that's so much fun! Let's get you _**drunk, **_regardless of the fact that you're underage and can't handle sake! Oh, and did I mention going to _**Kabuto **_was such a good idea because we'll get excellent board and food in the _**dungeons**_?"

"You know what; I sound nothing like that," Hoshi said, "And just think of this as an adventure! Adventures are exciting! Believe me, after this is over, you and I will laugh about this. Mostly about how you can't ape my voice for beans."

Hanabi groaned and face palmed herself, wincing immediately. "I've got a hangover. I'm not _**old **_enough for a hangover! I've got an idiot teacher I want to kill. SUCH a pity that's against the ninja code."

Hoshi stopped himself from pointing out that she was, in fact, no longer a ninja. He rather liked life, present circumstances nonwithstanding.

The other occupant of the cell, an extremely old and freakishly tall (seriously, I'm talking like, eight feet here) man looked up and spoke for the first time in the week that they'd been there. He had a wild, ratty beard and a haunted look in his icy blue eyes. Hoshi was a little creeped out by him.

"Death! Doom! Despair!" he wailed.

Hoshi wrinkled his nose at the old man. "Cheerful, aren't ya?"

Hanabi threw the pip of a mango at him. "Stop baiting your elders!"

The swindler scowled and turned to the old man again. "I'm so very sorry, good sir, that I wounded you with my sarcasm. Whippersnappers, you know. Our impudence knows no bounds."

"Death! Doom! _**Despair!"**_

Hoshi turned to his protégée as if to say, '_You see? Cheerful as Christmas morning with a dead Santa on your doorstep.'_

"He's been in here for who knows how long," Hanabi rolled her eyes, "Talk to him. Make him feel better."

"Why?"

"Because you got us thrown in the dungeons, and I'm _**telling **_you to."

She did make an awfully convincing argument; Hoshi had to give her that. "Okay gramps. What's got your knickers in a twist?"

"Hoshi!"

Whatever happened to sensei? Hoshi didn't know, but he figured it was lost somewhere in the week having her curse his birth. "Hey, you said to make him feel better. Can I at least do so my way?"

"Death! Doom! Des—"

"I got that," Hoshi moved closer, irritation in his features, "But whose death, what manner of doom, and when should we expect the despairing to begin?"

The man kept quiet, big blue eyes boring into turquoise ones. He raised a gnarled hand and curled the index towards himself, beckoning the boy closer. The swindler obliged, scooting forward. The man leaned in conspiratorially…and bit him on his ear.

"ARRRRGHHHH!!"

"Rrrrr!"

Hanabi lunged forth to pull the maniac off her sensei, and succeeded. Well, almost. Hoshi came away, but a good chunk of his ear was missing. He scrambled over to the far corner of the prison and began cursing the man in a strange, loud tongue that rang like a bronze bell in its harshness.

Hanabi glared at the old man, and then recoiled as he stuffed the rest of the ear in his mouth. Shrieking, she dove behind Hoshi, who started guffawing loudly for no identifiable reason.

"What the hell are you laughing for!?" Hanabi smacked him, "He just ate your ear!"

Hoshi grinned broadly at her, and scooped up some of his blood to show her. "Exactly. My blood is poisonous."

"The hell?" the Hyuuga heiress exclaimed. The blood was cerulean, quickly crusting over into a deep shade of indigo. "I don't get it!"

"_**Ao **_Hoshi. Blue. Blue blood. Our clan, blue pigment in the blood due to copper or some other such shit…?"

"Oh."

"And now you know the reason for the laughing."

There was a tremendous crash of thunder, and an eerie green light lit up the cell. Our two erstwhile adventurers screamed bloody murder as the old man started spewing out a long stream of what sounded suspiciously like gibberish. The light emanated from his body, bursting free of his pores and condensing into a small green dragon that unfurled dark, mossy wings and pinned Hoshi and Hanabi with a withering glare.

"Oh, put a fucking sock in it."

The duo shut up sharpish, and stared in awe at the being. The dragon sighed with the exaggerated patience of someone who is continually surrounded by dithering morons, and poked the old man. He produced, out of a questionable place on his person, a large tome which the dragon heaved towards Hoshi. He squeaked, and it landed in front of him with a thump, and the dragon harrumphed loudly.

"I am Yote, the Great Guardian Dragon of Gazooks, and this is my charge, the Cannibal of the Mount who was once called Melchior. That book is the Book of Truths, from which you will read to me the passage I dictate. And then knowledge shall be conferred upon you, and peace shall know you by name, and good you will do and good will be done unto you."

"What's in it for me?"

Hanabi sighed. "I think you mean, why me?"

"Not really—ow! Fine. Why me?"

"The taste of your blood has awakened his Inner Cannibal. So it is you who must shoulder the fate of sealing it away before it completely coerces his true self into—"

"If it's not too much to ask, common speak. _**Please.**_"

"You screwed up. You get to fix it. If not, he eats everyone."

Hanabi looked at the old man—Melchior, who was still a brilliant shade of emerald, his blue eyes widening comically. "I'm cynical," she said.

"I'm Yote. Nice to meet you."

"No, I mean I'm doubtful of the authenticity of this scenario. When you say that 'knowledge shall be conferred upon you, and peace shall know you by name, and good you will do and good will be done unto you', what the hell do you mean?"

"He reads the passage, he gains eternal knowledge (which includes the way to stop the Cannibal—and fifteen _**thousand **_ways to pleasure a woman) and peace of mind will be bestowed upon him, and he'll be bound to assist others and others will be bound to assist him."

"That sounds like a raw deal," Hoshi accused, "Are you trying to bamboozle me? Because _**I'm **_the embezzler around these parts. And I will not stand down and be usurped by some flying lizard!"

"DEATH! DOOM! DES-FUCKING-PAIR!"

"Oh, I have _**had **_it with his shit," Hanabi rabbit-punched the Cannibal in the head, and he collapsed in a green glowing heap. Yote and Hoshi looked at the girl, and then the fallen Melchior, and then back at the girl.

"And you couldn't do that?"

"Don't. Just don't."

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"So," Yote furrowed his brow in concentrated confusion, "You don't want the knowledge? The power? The babes?"

"Nah. I'm good."

"I don't understand…all the signs say that one of your blood is the one to put down the Cannibal within…"

Hanabi sighed. "He's a con artist. He's True Neutral. So no, he's not interested in doing good."

Hoshi perked up. "You know who is though? My self-righteous bitch of a sister! She lives in…uh, who's she married to now again? Bob? Dante? Magnolia? Right, it was Kinjo! She lives in the Hidden Sun Village. Probably in the biggest house with an obscenely good looking male that's contracted some sort of fatal disease or is rushing off to battle."

"Um…okay…"

"I think he's a little overwhelmed," Hanabi said to her sensei. Louder, she held the dragon's forearm, and said kindly, "Would you like to sit down?"

"I'd like that a lot, thanks."

"I hear someone!" Hoshi whispered urgently, "Push the dragon under the old dude and sit on him!"

"…Why?"

"The old dude's glowing _**green.**_"

"Point well made," Hanabi muttered as she complied with his orders. The someone Hoshi had heard turned out to be none other than Kabuto, resplendent in kage robe and straw hat.

"Go, go ranger," Hoshi smirked. The Otokage shot him an unamused glance. "Why are you smirking, Ao? You're in jail. You're not likely to get out till the rats are nibbling on your bones. You've condemned an innocent girl to the same fate, just because you _**had **_to persuade me into buying that stupid stick that you _**swore **_could do magic. Is all this not sinking into your head?"

"I'd reply, but I totally fazed out. Boring people incite that sort of behavior in me."

Kabuto scowled, and pointed a finger at the puce haired male. "Watch your tongue, you petulant idiot, I could have you dipped in boiling oil and salt-and-lemon put on your wounds!"

"Roast a la Hoshi, huh? I hope you choke on me, you cannibalistic bastard!"

Hanabi kicked his shin. "Don't antagonize him so much! He could have us executed!"

"He's too much of a wimp! Aren't you, your wimpy wussness?" Hoshi sneered at the silver haired man. Kabuto smirked at him in eerie imitation of the smirk Hoshi had smirked minutes earlier. "Perhaps your companion has a point, Hoshi. I won't execute _**you, **_I have big, painful plans for _**you, **_but the girl…well, there's nothing like guilt to keep you company in a dark cell, is there? Tomorrow morning, the Hyuuga has an appointment with the gallows."

Hoshi glared at the kage. "I hope worms infest your brain. Oh, wait, they already do!"

Hanabi groaned. "Way to make things better, dumbass."

Kabuto nodded. "Indeed. Perhaps some light torture before the girl is hung? Yes, that'll keep your nights filled with nightmares. Good day, lady, gentleman."

"I hope you fall into your chamber pot and drown, you sadist!" Hoshi yelled after him. Hanabi struck him across the cheek, fuming. "What the hell is wrong with you!? Does antagonizing our captor get us _**anywhere?**_"

"Yes it does," Hoshi said, "It gets me supreme satisfaction. I've known the assturd longer than you and he's always got that oh so uncaring face, but he's pissed. Besides," he added, putting up both palms in a placating gesture, "I've just thought of a way to get us out of here."

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"HELLO! HELLOOOO! HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Yote glowered at the two screaming humans. "Must you be so loud?"

"We're trying to attract the attention of someone who'll get us Kabuto," Hanabi explained, her throat raspy, "Now hush, and don't let anyone see the green on Melchior. HELLO!! ANYONE!!"  
A guard finally deigned to stomp irately over to them. "What the hell do you want, convicts!? Shut up before I skewer you on my long pointy spork of doom!"

There was a rather poignant pause as Hoshi and Hanabi digested his speech.

"Spork?" the swindler asked at a length.

"We were on a budget. The soldiers got all the pikes."

"Ah. I see."

Hanabi shoved her sensei aside and scowled at the guard. "Listen you, I need you to get a message to the Otokage! He's in grave danger and I must demand that you—"

The guard stopped her with a waving motion of his hand, calling for silence. "Excuse me, one moment please. Now, if I'm not mistaken, this is the scene where you've thought up a brilliant plan to escape, and the first part involves tricking the painfully stupid guard to let you see the Otokage. Am I incorrect?"

"No," Hoshi said, smiling. Hanabi kicked him in the shins, or aimed there, but he dodged her foot. "Let's hear him out before you go getting violent on your sensei!"

"So according to the standard sexist rules of escaping from a prison, the girl tries to seduce me. Even if she's underage and has no assets to speak of, and I'm a happily married man, I leap at the chance for no-strings-attached sex and let you go."

"Actually, we were just going to go with her being extremely authoritative—"

The guard held up a hand. "Uh, uh. No way. If I'm letting prisoners escape, we're doing this the right way. Well…we're doing this the clichéd way."

Hoshi looked at Hanabi, who sighed. "Fine. Hey there handsome thing," she flirted, "How YOU doin'?"

"You suck at that," the guard rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Get outta here."

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They burst into the Otokage's office wildly, Hanabi waving her arms around. Kabuto, who was in the middle of receiving his mid-morning sponge bath from a few dozen beautiful kunoichi, waved them away to deathglare at the intruders.

"What the hell sort of idiot let you out of the dungeons?"

"The hell sort of idiot that you hire," Hanabi snapped. Hoshi patted her head. "Good one."

"Thanks."

"Ahem," Kabuto coughed.

"Oh, right. BEWARE! I am a doctor, and I have diagnosed you with a most severe form of worm infestation in your head!"

"It's because I wished it on you," Hoshi added for good measure, "And I felt so guilty about being the cause of your plight that I persuaded my friend, the excellent Hana Hyuuga to treat you!"

Kabuto frowned. "But I don't _**feel **_like I have a worm infestation. I had a medical check up barely a month ago and I was found to be perfectly healthy!"

"That's because the worm infestation is very dangerous and sneaky. And normal doctors don't have the byakugan to scan your brain properly," Hanabi assured him.

"That does make a rather contorted sort of sense," Kabuto admitted, "Is this dangerous?"

"Of course it is you dickhead, you have _**worms **_in your brain!" Hanabi rolled her eyes, "Look, I can get them out, being a child prodigy and all that, so why don't you just let Hoshi—who happens to be a qualified nurse along with his Ph.D. as a con artist—apply the anesthetics?"

Kabuto snorted. "Do you take me for an idiot?"

"Yes," Hoshi said immediately. Hanabi elbowed him roughly, and he winced. "You know what, remind me to talk to you about how _**violence is not the answer.**_"  
"Remind me to tell you how little I care," she retorted, "And Kabuto, what makes you say that?"

"Because it's dangerous! Anesthetics is a foreign branch of medicine to me. I believe in pain!"

"So you would, being Orochimaru's little puppet…"

"Besides, as soon as I'm unconscious, you'll steal my treasure that I so cunningly kept locked in my secret locker under my ridiculously expensive and almost certainly illegal rare endangered animal skin rug!"

Hoshi and Hanabi exchanged significant glances that whispered '_jackpot.' _They smiled reassuringly at the suspicious kage, and moved closer. "Doctor's honor," Hanabi purred, "I will do no such thing."

Hoshi cold-cocked him with a heavy statue of Buddha, and examined the effigy. "That's gotta be sacrilege," he announced, but Hanabi was already at the rug, throwing it aside to reveal a small wooden door to a cache.

"Excellent," Hoshi said, "Now we're thieves?"

"We conned him into believing that we were medical experts, and now we're reaping the rewards."

"You learn well, little grasshopper."

They managed to pass by all the guards by waving a piece of paper from Kabuto's personal stationary, which cleared them a straight path to freedom. They were going to take the time to release the more innocent looking prisoners, but decided to hell with it, and just let them all go.

Well, no one said they were _**wise. **_

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And the Great Guardian Dragon of Gazooks said, "Fare thee well, heathens. I hope something eats you on the road to your destination."

And the Cannibal of the Mount said, "Death! Doom! _**Despair!**_"

And Hoshi said, "Good bye!"

And Hanabi said, "Good luck!"

And together they muttered under the breaths that God hath given unto them, "Good _**riddance,**_" before continuing down the path of adventure.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**


End file.
